Healing Begins

A couple of days ago, I had a breakdown in my room. I don’t remember the last time I was so completely broken. My spirit felt heavy, everything about me felt heavy. I would try to speak but only tears came. I cried in front of everyone that I came in contact with that day because there was no pretending that I was okay. It was really humbling… In my heart, I knew that I was grieving, but I struggled to comprehend what exactly was going on. 

A lot of you are aware of the migraines and headaches I experience on a frequent basis. If you knew me a year ago, about this time, you would have known that the migraines occur at minimum weekly, sometimes lasting longer than twenty four hours. One of my biggest fears when signing up for the Race was my ability to endure the pain without the typical, first world comforts. I trusted that God would take care of me but I didn’t know what that would look like or how much suffering that would entail. In Hebrews 11, it lists biblical heroes that “by faith” chose to go out and obey God despite the fact that they couldn’t see and in turn accomplished miraculous things (i.e. shutting the mouths of lions). I was all about Hebrews 11 until I read verse thirteen where it says, “All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth.” Ouch. And if for some reason you think that is tolerable, verses 35-40 go on to describe the intense suffering they experienced. They were stoned, put in prison, tortured, flogged, destitute and living in holes in the ground. Nothing about this sounds desirable but for some reason, they endured. They chose God anyways. WHAT? 

Lauren Watts, this gem of a teammate of mine, came on the Race with an autoimmune disorder. Lauren Watts is a modern-day hero of faith. God asked her to go on the Race and despite her severe sensitivities to gluten and dairy, she gave her “yes.” Although she knew finding food that met her dietary requirements would be a challenge, she went.There were days that we were both in a lot of pain. I had my headaches and she had her flare-ups. At one point of time, our headaches actually began coinciding. We prayed for healing over each other. Our squad mates were praying for us and so were a lot of you. The healing didn’t come as we had foreseen. 

One day, after prayer and worship, Lauren announced that she wanted the Healer more than the healing. She wanted the healer more than anything. If this autoimmune disorder brought her closer to the Lord, she wanted it. I was astounded and I also thought, “Wow, I don’t know that I would go that far…What a statement?!” I noticed that Lauren lived more freely from that point on. 

A couple of days after I returned back to the States, I began noticing a lot of Bible verses surrounding bondage and idolatry. I never formerly thought of myself as an idolater. I mean, that’s intense. It wasn’t like there was a golden calf in my bedroom that I was making sacrifices to. That would be weird! I then learned that an idol can be anything that you prioritize above God. I sat at the edge of my bed that day thinking of all of the “good” things I placed before God prior to the Race. There was the career, the education, the friends, the hobbies, the adventure and even things like comfort and healing. God probably came 16th down on that list. No wonder I didn’t know freedom. 

Brokenness on the Race looked a lot like replacing those former idols with God. It originally looked like pain and suffering because it’s not fun to lose your idols. It also looked like LIFE, JOY and HOPE. It looks like FREEDOM. Once you lose your idols and replace them with Christ, you’re free. Once you taste true freedom, you never want to come back to bondage nor should you. During my breakdown, I realized just how many things I formerly prioritized above Christ. That’s what I was grieving…Although I don’t have a golden calf, my bedroom reminded me of past idols and former bondage. Jesus replaced those things during my months on the Race and I never want to go back. 

Lauren and the Hebrew 11 heroes stepped out in faith and chose to abandon all else even when they didn’t understand, even when it did hurt. They chose God. Why and how could they possibly endure? Hebrews 11:15-16, “If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had the opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country–a heavenly one.” They kept their eyes on Christ, they chose Him above all else, and their souls were set free despite the suffering. 

So in this pandemic, God sees you. He sees your specific situation. Maybe you’re scared. Maybe you’ve already lost a lot. Maybe you’re experiencing illness or feeling like things are spinning out of control. Look up. He’s there and he wants to heal you, starting with your heart. That’s where true freedom lies. 

Also, I do want to mention that my headaches have become less frequent. I’ve had one headache in the last 25 days!! This is a record for me. Thank you guys for your continued prayers as I navigate next steps. Let me know of any ways that I can be praying for you.