Redeemed

I woke up this morning to a blanket of snow covering the outside world. It’s perfectly unadulterated, white for miles…What a way to enter into a new year. A weary world rejoices. In so many ways, I wanted to avoid writing this blog. It’s messy & it’s human & it would be so much easier to not address the grief that wove it’s way into 2021. I tried to ignore it, escape it, fight it, numb it and then I decided to accept it. Brene Brown once said, “Our capacity for wholeheartedness can never be greater than our willingness to be broken-hearted. We can only love and be-loved as much as we are willing to have our heart broken.” 

At the beginning of December, I had a trip planned to Africa for a month. It was going to be absolutely amazing and everything I had ever dreamed of. I was going to visit family, partner with a nonprofit to perform hearing and vision screenings for impoverished children and possibly go on a couple safaris. Several days before my planned departure, I began coughing. Soon after the cough, I began experiencing the full blown symptoms of dreaded COVID-19. Devastated, I made countless, croaking, practically unoxygenated phone calls to the airlines. After ten days of isolation, I determined it was time to reschedule the flight. I scheduled my departure flight for the 19th of December just to find that I remained positive for COVID. I was not about to surrender my plans. Africa would happen and nothing was going to deter me. I cancelled again, received a negative COVID test and immediately rebooked the flight for the evening of December 25th. To my absolute dismay, several hours prior to my departure, one of the airlines cancelled and refused to assist me in rebooking my flight. My resolve thickened. I threw myself into the next several days, calling the airline unyieldingly. It became a 9-5 for me. I held to my plans with an unclenching grip, intent on receiving justice. Despite my every effort, the answer remained some incredibly creative version of “No, we can’t help you. *Click of the phone*” At this point, I directed my anger at God….After all I’ve been through, why would you take this away from me too? I entertained lies as I tried to construe how this could possibly be God’s loving plan for me. This trip was supposed to be redemption, the reset I longed for, the end to the heartbreak, disappointment & disillusionment that I had known for so long.

And then it hit me. I was attempting an escape. Oh, how I loathe uncomfortable emotions, especially those tied to grief. Can it always be Spring and Summer and never Winter. This quest had been my anticipated reset. Instead, it was looking all too similar to the past year of dashed dreams and hopes. Mind you, there’s nothing wrong with a reset or even desiring redemption from a really difficult season. Covid isolation and the days that followed felt cruel. I began to process the gravity of loss I’d experienced in 2020 and 2021. Despite my best attempts, there was no escaping to Africa. There was no escaping the impending Niagara Falls worth of tears. One day, after several hours of very pointless phone calls, I decided to surrender. I knew in my spirit that God was telling me, “No, not now.” At this point, I was done attempting to force my will into action, against His. I surrendered the trip and strangely found that I was… okay. In fact, it was as though this heavy weight that I’d been carrying had finally lifted. I wasn’t alone and I no longer had to do it alone. 

God reminded me that redemption doesn’t always come in the form of a glorious comeback or the trip of a life-time. Redemption initially came in the form of a baby, with one of the most humble beginnings. He suffered here on this earth and experienced excruciating pain. He died for our sins, because He so loved us and rose again after three days. Jesus is enough. After some time of brokenheartedness, I am finally starting to see the light again. It’s not because I went on some grand, redemptive trip that erased all my pain and suffering. It’s not because things in my life finally went the way I wanted them to. Today, the cereal tasted a little less bland, the workout I did wasn’t as dreary and I actually smiled and laughed at something funny. Sometimes it’s in the stillness of God’s presence that we discover healing.

As you enter into this New Year, I encourage you to consider your “Africas.” Maybe your Africa isn’t a location but rather a person or a thing you go to when you want to numb the pain. We’re all experts at avoiding pain, but until you face the brokenness there, you’ll never live wholeheartedly. You see, life is just as much about grief as it is joy. It’s just as much about Winter as it is Summer. It’s just as much about death as it is the resurrection. It’s in the very experience of brokenheartedness that wholeheartedness can once again, be found. Amidst the joys and struggles of this coming year, I hope you find that Christ is truly enough. In Him, we receive ultimate redemption.

“I have swept away your offenses like a cloud, your sins like the morning mist. Return to me, for I have redeemed you.” 2 Peter 3:9

Travel Update: I will not be going to Africa in the month of January. However, I still do hope to go some time within 2022. I am not sure when that will be as travel restrictions are continuously changing & so are my plans. In regards to the hearing and vision screenings, thank you so much for your support. You helped me raise $350 towards audiometry equipment for The Watumull Family Children’s Fund! I am currently working with the director to ship the equipment and instructions to Kenya. Your prayers are so appreciated as I discern when or if to go. 

Happy New Year & May you increasingly know God’s love for you.

Stephanie